New Site

Ok folks my ME has affected my ability to write creatively and my ability to be on the computer as much as I'd like so I started a Livejournal to attempt to raise awareness for ME.

I discovered I can post entries to livejournal with my mobile even via the main site and I can't do that here. I try and post entries whenever I'm feeling well enough to do so or got something worth saying

The site is See Me

Update

Sorry that I have not been on here much lately.

For those following who do not know yet I became ill with the flu in January and although it went away it came back 2 weeks later. The flu went away again but I just never recovered. I got tested for kidney, liver, thyroid and hormone problems, infections and arthritic conditions. The dr even tried to blame it all on my depression.

Eventually I was referred to a specialist. I saw him on 18 July and he took a full blood work and also tested me for Addison's Disease (where the adrenal glands don't work right) and I had to go back for results on 22 August. When I went back he told me that he was still waiting on results for my level of vitamin D but apart from a slightly raised white cell count (probably as a result of a simple respiratory infection (but nothing to worry about now)) all my test results were fine.

This left only 2 things and because I had symptoms of both he diagnosed me with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia.

He's put me on Gabapentin which over the course of a week I built up to 900mg a day and 20mg of Amitriptyline a day and I have to go back on 28 Oct. I have also since had a letter off him to say my vitamin D levels are low so as of yesterday (since it's after midnight) I was started on a vitamin D3 (Calcium) supplement

So yeah that's why I haven't posted much on here lately

Gray Days (written 17/03/11)

This is inspired by and includes references to Sonata Arctica's album "The Days of Grays":

GRAY DAYS

In my bed sobbing I lie
As you, my only love had to die
Your death painted one of my grayest days
I prayed life is just a phase

Lost and broken I didn’t know what to do
There is no life without you
I can not control my life anymore
I’ve been shattered deep into my core

That I am happy I am sick of pretending
As I have to act as if my world isn’t ending
No dream can heal my broken heart
When we’re apart

I honestly can’t believe you’re gone
I’m suffering every moment I’m left without you, alone
The one thing that nobody can see
Is every night when I'm turning in my tears find me

At times I see no reason to live in this hell
I need someone to tell
Me exactly why
Your death shouldn’t be my sole reason to die

I hate that no one can tell me why
You, my love had to die
I’m driving myself to despair
Wondering if the truth is out there, somewhere

I really hope that there
Is more than life we can share
As the thought of never seeing you again
Only serves to intensify my pain

The hope that when my time comes after many years, we get to be
Together for all eternity
When we can once again hold each other and know we are free
Rakastan sinua niin paljon ritarini


© Toni Higgs 17/03/11

Hidden (writen 15/02/11)

Struggling against an invisible foe
No one can see no one will know
I may look ok
But I'm fighting internal decay

I'm slowly dying deep within my core
I am not me any more
It's all regrets and grief
I'm desperate for any measure of relief

I don't know how much more I can take
I feel fit to break
But no one can help me
For it's not something they can see


© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Drowning (written 15/02/11)

Living in unbearable pain
Time passes but I still feel the same
I need so much to be with you again

Drowning in my own grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

I wish I was numb
Living without you is no fun
The torture had begun

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

The weight I'm bearing is so heavy I can't breathe
A pain that's hard to believe
A pain without reprieve

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

Sinking
Suffocating
Seccumbing
Slowly drowning
In grief

© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Then and Now

I was sat here
Without you
I was filled with fear
And I didn’t know what to do

When you died
I died too
Weak and broken I tried
To follow you

I didn’t want to feel
The way I did anymore
I begged “Please don’t let this be real!
Please let my life be like it was before!”

Without you I was lost
Within a maze fraught with sadness and pain
My sanity was the cost
In order to start again
****

Without you to help navigate
It was not an easy road
My lack of knowledge on me did grate
Without your reassuring highway code

I wished I could see you
To know you were alright
I really needed you
To will me not to give up this fight

I needed a sign
I needed to know
That you were indeed fine
Instead of hearing yet another imagined echo

If you had a look
You would’ve found
That without your love’s hook
My heart and mind unwound
****

That was then
And this is now
My days are beginning to brighten
I’m just living, somehow

I know that in time
I’ll be with you again
Then everything will once again be divine
As I’ll be with my soul mate and free from this pain


© Toni Higgs 25/01/11

Of Tax and Death (written 06/04/06)

It stands crumbling and in ruins behind aging police tape and barbed wire. This was once the base of the Inland Revenue’s call centre in Edinburgh but now years later it stands on it’s last legs yet no one will attempt to demolish it because of the various myths and legends passed down over the years as it is rumoured to have so many deadly curses.

A group of local school children stand just behind the barbed wire and gaze up at the ruins in awe but, none of them were brave enough to go any closer for they had heard what had happened to local tough kid John Smith.

John was the last of the tough kids to venture past the barbed wire and tape and step over the threshold and into the ruins. When he returned home he could barely walk, was burning up, complaining of aches and pains and had almost lost his voice. The doctor was called but no physical explanation could be found for his symptoms. A week passed and he still hadn’t spoken or eaten so he was placed in a secure psychiatric unit where, he still remains today, improving slowly but he still won’t talk about what happened that day. All that could be gathered through his drawings is that the building is haunted. That happened twenty years ago.

This is where I come in because I know what really happened here. Let me take you back five hundred years to the 3rd April 2006.

Fraser Graham had been off his work for two days with a very bad cold already and was having to take another day off even though he couldn’t really afford to as he already knew that today was the busiest day of the year and also because he had very little money. He had hoped that the weekend would’ve given him time to feel better but unfortunately it hadn’t so he rang his work to say that he was no better so wouldn’t be able to come in and that he was sorry because he knew it was the busiest day. His supervisor wasn’t pleased and said that wasn’t good enough and that he would have to come into work.

So with his tissues in check and his eyes and nose streaming from the cold Fraser set off on the 2 bus journey to his work. He arrived there and settled into taking calls from people wanting various tax forms.

As the day progressed Fraser’s condition worsened as the cold progressed down into his asthma ravaged chest which made it extremely difficult for him to breathe. By the time it got to the afternoon break Fraser was too weak to move so he just stayed in the office while everyone else went out for some fresh air. During the break Fraser grew weaker and weaker until his heart could take no more and he quietly passed away. His body slumped forward and downward in his seat and his head landed face down on his desk. Just as everyone was returning from their break there were two faint clouds rising from his body. One was his soul being set free and the other was the cold virus escaping from his ever cooling shell before its life was claimed too.

Fraser’s passing was discovered very quickly and everyone was deeply saddened. His family were notified and everyone was taken aback by how suddenly it had all happened and his supervisor was overcome with guilt. What they didn’t know was that there was something worse lurking just around the corner.

Over the coming weeks everyone that worked in the building were struck with a mysterious cold virus and they died in the exact same way Fraser has, this being quietly at work during their afternoon break.

Last to die was the supervisor but something about her death was different. Her soul did not float free from her dead shell that was her body. Her soul got dragged downwards by the overpowering force that was the calling of the devil, with whom she came face to face with at the gates of hell.

Lucifer told her that what she had done was too bad even for his hell so he was condemning her to an eternity in her own hell. It was there he said that she would be surrounded by the things she had feared most in life. With that the vision of hell disappeared and the next thing she knew she was back in the office where she worked.

The office was now empty with a haunting atmosphere to it as it still contained all the furniture that it did when it was populated with people. The supervisor’s soul sat alone in the corner quivering slightly at the thought of what the devil could’ve meant by “her hell”. She didn’t have to wait long before the answer was revealed.

She heard something in the distance but she wasn’t sure what it was but she didn’t have to go looking because whatever it was sounded as if it was coming for her. The noise was getting louder and angrier and it was just about at the point where she knew what it was when she saw it. The biggest beehive she had ever seen!

She stared, eyes transfixed on the monstrosity before her which was buzzing madly. Then the fear set in. She was now alive with fear and hyperventilating. She knew she couldn’t escape. She wanted to scream but didn’t want to provoke the bees into an attack. Plus would screaming accomplish anything, for she was no longer part of the human world?

She then started seeing things. She didn’t know whether this was another of the devil’s surprises or whether she had gone mad due to the fear of having thousands of bees for company. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes again. It was then she realised that what she was seeing were the ghosts of her former employees. They crowded in around about her and sat glaring at her through angry eyes. Angriest of all were the eyes of Fraser Graham. The supervisor sat there sick with fear. This was her for eternity, she thought. She was petrified.

Meanwhile in the human world life went on as best it could. People struggled to understand what had happened in the office as investigation after investigation couldn’t find an explanation for all the deaths. Eventually, the case was closed and the building was advertised to allow other companies to utilise its space.

The first company moved in in the February of 2008. Everything went great until 3rd April when everybody in the building became ill with a severe cold and then heard voices warning them to leave now or lose their lives. By the end of the week, they were gone.

This happened to every company who moved into the premises over the next three hundred years so after that word got around and people stopped coming and the building fell into disrepair,

A few years later the building was deemed unsafe. It was then the council sentenced it to demolition in the interest of public safety.

An inspector moved in a few days later to cordon off the area and inspect the building to see where it was best to position the explosives.

Soon after he entered he started to feel like he had a severe cold so he decided that the curse must be true so he was going to get out there as quick as he could and to hell with the investigation. He turned to go towards where the door once was but before he could go any further another bit of the already ruined building crumbled away and came hurtling towards the ground exactly where he was standing. He heard the noise, looked up and was away to move but it was too late. It came crashing down on him, crushing him to death.

After that everyone refused to go near the building because they had seen too many deaths to think it was all a coincidence. They now knew it was a curse.

No one ventured over the threshold again for another one hundred and seventy eight years. By then the people who had seen the curse at work had long since died and myths and legends had been born and no one knew what the real curse was if there even was a curse to begin with. That person was tough kid John Smith and we all know what happened to him.

So back to today 3rd April 2506. The kids have gathered outside the ruins as they have done on this day for the last fifteen years (it had become a tradition) to stand and admire this failing structure and also to discuss what they think really happened five hundred years ago.

I have took the time and told you the REAL story and maybe there will be another kid that will be brave enough to discover the truth one day, who knows? Until then Edinburgh is safe once more.