Update

Sorry that I have not been on here much lately.

For those following who do not know yet I became ill with the flu in January and although it went away it came back 2 weeks later. The flu went away again but I just never recovered. I got tested for kidney, liver, thyroid and hormone problems, infections and arthritic conditions. The dr even tried to blame it all on my depression.

Eventually I was referred to a specialist. I saw him on 18 July and he took a full blood work and also tested me for Addison's Disease (where the adrenal glands don't work right) and I had to go back for results on 22 August. When I went back he told me that he was still waiting on results for my level of vitamin D but apart from a slightly raised white cell count (probably as a result of a simple respiratory infection (but nothing to worry about now)) all my test results were fine.

This left only 2 things and because I had symptoms of both he diagnosed me with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia.

He's put me on Gabapentin which over the course of a week I built up to 900mg a day and 20mg of Amitriptyline a day and I have to go back on 28 Oct. I have also since had a letter off him to say my vitamin D levels are low so as of yesterday (since it's after midnight) I was started on a vitamin D3 (Calcium) supplement

So yeah that's why I haven't posted much on here lately

Gray Days (written 17/03/11)

This is inspired by and includes references to Sonata Arctica's album "The Days of Grays":

GRAY DAYS

In my bed sobbing I lie
As you, my only love had to die
Your death painted one of my grayest days
I prayed life is just a phase

Lost and broken I didn’t know what to do
There is no life without you
I can not control my life anymore
I’ve been shattered deep into my core

That I am happy I am sick of pretending
As I have to act as if my world isn’t ending
No dream can heal my broken heart
When we’re apart

I honestly can’t believe you’re gone
I’m suffering every moment I’m left without you, alone
The one thing that nobody can see
Is every night when I'm turning in my tears find me

At times I see no reason to live in this hell
I need someone to tell
Me exactly why
Your death shouldn’t be my sole reason to die

I hate that no one can tell me why
You, my love had to die
I’m driving myself to despair
Wondering if the truth is out there, somewhere

I really hope that there
Is more than life we can share
As the thought of never seeing you again
Only serves to intensify my pain

The hope that when my time comes after many years, we get to be
Together for all eternity
When we can once again hold each other and know we are free
Rakastan sinua niin paljon ritarini


© Toni Higgs 17/03/11

Hidden (writen 15/02/11)

Struggling against an invisible foe
No one can see no one will know
I may look ok
But I'm fighting internal decay

I'm slowly dying deep within my core
I am not me any more
It's all regrets and grief
I'm desperate for any measure of relief

I don't know how much more I can take
I feel fit to break
But no one can help me
For it's not something they can see


© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Drowning (written 15/02/11)

Living in unbearable pain
Time passes but I still feel the same
I need so much to be with you again

Drowning in my own grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

I wish I was numb
Living without you is no fun
The torture had begun

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

The weight I'm bearing is so heavy I can't breathe
A pain that's hard to believe
A pain without reprieve

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

Sinking
Suffocating
Seccumbing
Slowly drowning
In grief

© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Then and Now

I was sat here
Without you
I was filled with fear
And I didn’t know what to do

When you died
I died too
Weak and broken I tried
To follow you

I didn’t want to feel
The way I did anymore
I begged “Please don’t let this be real!
Please let my life be like it was before!”

Without you I was lost
Within a maze fraught with sadness and pain
My sanity was the cost
In order to start again
****

Without you to help navigate
It was not an easy road
My lack of knowledge on me did grate
Without your reassuring highway code

I wished I could see you
To know you were alright
I really needed you
To will me not to give up this fight

I needed a sign
I needed to know
That you were indeed fine
Instead of hearing yet another imagined echo

If you had a look
You would’ve found
That without your love’s hook
My heart and mind unwound
****

That was then
And this is now
My days are beginning to brighten
I’m just living, somehow

I know that in time
I’ll be with you again
Then everything will once again be divine
As I’ll be with my soul mate and free from this pain


© Toni Higgs 25/01/11