I can sense you here
But can't see you anywhere
I miss you so much
&
I can sense you here
But can't see you anywhere
Show yourself to me
© Toni Higgs 12/06/10
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Thank You Steven (Written 17 Apr 2010)
I miss you so
I wish you didn’t have to go
On my heart your death has left a permanent mark
And my life was lost to the dark
But then I remember……
I’m thankful to have known you while you were alive
Thankful to have been the one you loved
Grateful that you helped me experience the beauty
That comes from two people that are meant to be one
At night I end up lying awake
Feeling my heart agonisingly break
I always end up wondering why
And that often makes me cry
But then I remember……
I’m thankful for the things we shared
Thankful that for me you always cared
Grateful that you gave my life hope
Because you gave me a purpose and showed me that I was needed
There’s not one day where I don’t think of you
Or where I don’t wish I was with you
There are times when, for death I’d go any length
Because I feel I’ve been drained of all my strength
But then I remember……
I’m thankful that you were mine
Thankful that you had more faith in me than I had in myself
Grateful that even in death
You have promised to wait for me
Life without you physically here is hard
I wouldn’t expect it to be easy
But when I’m struggling I just have to remember
That you promised to wait for me
© Toni Higgs 17/04/10
I wish you didn’t have to go
On my heart your death has left a permanent mark
And my life was lost to the dark
But then I remember……
I’m thankful to have known you while you were alive
Thankful to have been the one you loved
Grateful that you helped me experience the beauty
That comes from two people that are meant to be one
At night I end up lying awake
Feeling my heart agonisingly break
I always end up wondering why
And that often makes me cry
But then I remember……
I’m thankful for the things we shared
Thankful that for me you always cared
Grateful that you gave my life hope
Because you gave me a purpose and showed me that I was needed
There’s not one day where I don’t think of you
Or where I don’t wish I was with you
There are times when, for death I’d go any length
Because I feel I’ve been drained of all my strength
But then I remember……
I’m thankful that you were mine
Thankful that you had more faith in me than I had in myself
Grateful that even in death
You have promised to wait for me
Life without you physically here is hard
I wouldn’t expect it to be easy
But when I’m struggling I just have to remember
That you promised to wait for me
© Toni Higgs 17/04/10
Eternal (Written 13 Apr 2010)
I wish I could turn over and see
Your cheeky smile beaming back at me
And be comforted by the realisation that you’re still there
That the reality in which you were dead was just a nightmare
A reality that I can happily forget
As I know it wont happen for a long time yet
CHORUS 1:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I’d let you come to see me
Given us the chance, to alone together be
Like two people together normally
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
I wish I could wake up and realise all this worry is unnecessary
Instead of being alone for yet another painful anniversary
Or that I lived in a reality where
Like Romeo and Juliet we died together
Instead of having to use all my strength and might
Just to keep my promise to you until our sprits re-unite
CHORUS 1
I wish I could talk to you
So you could my happiness, renew
Instead of spending my time wondering
If unknown to me that right next to me you are sitting
If it’s realistic of a reunion for me to hope
Or that in doing so my sanity is in fact hanging by an increasingly frayed and narrowing rope
CHORUS 2:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I could honestly say that I tried my best
To see you one last time before you were laid to rest
But I wouldn’t have had the strength even if I had been feeling my best
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
I wish you knew the answers I’ve been longing to hear
The answers that would extinguish my fear
I wish that you could show me that everything I regret
Is not doing me any good and them I should just forget
And you don’t hate me for the things I promised you
The things that when it came to it I couldn’t do
CHORUS 2
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
© Toni Higgs 13/04/10
Your cheeky smile beaming back at me
And be comforted by the realisation that you’re still there
That the reality in which you were dead was just a nightmare
A reality that I can happily forget
As I know it wont happen for a long time yet
CHORUS 1:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I’d let you come to see me
Given us the chance, to alone together be
Like two people together normally
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
I wish I could wake up and realise all this worry is unnecessary
Instead of being alone for yet another painful anniversary
Or that I lived in a reality where
Like Romeo and Juliet we died together
Instead of having to use all my strength and might
Just to keep my promise to you until our sprits re-unite
CHORUS 1
I wish I could talk to you
So you could my happiness, renew
Instead of spending my time wondering
If unknown to me that right next to me you are sitting
If it’s realistic of a reunion for me to hope
Or that in doing so my sanity is in fact hanging by an increasingly frayed and narrowing rope
CHORUS 2:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I could honestly say that I tried my best
To see you one last time before you were laid to rest
But I wouldn’t have had the strength even if I had been feeling my best
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
I wish you knew the answers I’ve been longing to hear
The answers that would extinguish my fear
I wish that you could show me that everything I regret
Is not doing me any good and them I should just forget
And you don’t hate me for the things I promised you
The things that when it came to it I couldn’t do
CHORUS 2
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever
© Toni Higgs 13/04/10
Said & Done (Written 12 Apr 2010)
I know life is precious
But I never expected it to be as hard as this
With the people I know and love dying so young
When their lives had barely begun
It should make me my life respect
Because I never know what to expect
But I find it hard to about my life care
When all I feel is despair
First there was my Nan, she was 67
My first real experience of someone going to heaven
Then there was Jean who was 60
Still very young to the pearly gates see
Steven, my Knight was next at just 17
I can only imagine what kind of man you would have been
And the things we might have done and seen
Claire was taken at 33
Before she got the chance to, the world see
And now Brian at 27
The same age as me but already taken to heaven
I know my experiences should teach me
To not let my life pass by me
But I’m too overcome by hurt
When I think of how short these lives have been cut
Too preoccupied by how bitter life is tasting
To realise how much of it I’m currently wasting
If I could look down on myself, I’d see I was doing wrong
But I’m too involved and all my rational reasoning is gone
I know I need to live my life for me and let its course run
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that things are always easier said than done
© Toni Higgs 12/04/10
But I never expected it to be as hard as this
With the people I know and love dying so young
When their lives had barely begun
It should make me my life respect
Because I never know what to expect
But I find it hard to about my life care
When all I feel is despair
First there was my Nan, she was 67
My first real experience of someone going to heaven
Then there was Jean who was 60
Still very young to the pearly gates see
Steven, my Knight was next at just 17
I can only imagine what kind of man you would have been
And the things we might have done and seen
Claire was taken at 33
Before she got the chance to, the world see
And now Brian at 27
The same age as me but already taken to heaven
I know my experiences should teach me
To not let my life pass by me
But I’m too overcome by hurt
When I think of how short these lives have been cut
Too preoccupied by how bitter life is tasting
To realise how much of it I’m currently wasting
If I could look down on myself, I’d see I was doing wrong
But I’m too involved and all my rational reasoning is gone
I know I need to live my life for me and let its course run
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that things are always easier said than done
© Toni Higgs 12/04/10
Fire & Water (Written 10 Feb 2010)
This poem is partly inspired by "Katherine Wheel" by HIM:
FIRE AND WATER
You kept my heart going
Kept the fire within burning
And the molten core in check
Without letting the passion fade
When you died the eco-system within
Went out of sync
One stray spark caused my heart to ignite
But without you here there was nothing to get the ensuing fire under control
What started as a spark
Is quickly becoming an inferno
And I’m beginning to suffocate
As the smoke engulfs me from within
The pain in my chest cripples me
As the fire not satiated by my heart
Spreads outwards
And cremates me alive
The pain is nothing short of excruciating
And as the fire reaches my lungs
It becomes impossible to breathe
Then it hits the oxygen within
I’m paralysed with pain
When the fire explodes from me
I expect to die, burned alive
But something unexpected happens
For, all the time I was preoccupied by fire
My pain was also flowing out of me
So much so
I was beginning to drown
When the fire broke from me
It wasn’t just met by oxygen
It was quenched
By a torrent of emotion
@ Toni Higgs 10/02/10
FIRE AND WATER
You kept my heart going
Kept the fire within burning
And the molten core in check
Without letting the passion fade
When you died the eco-system within
Went out of sync
One stray spark caused my heart to ignite
But without you here there was nothing to get the ensuing fire under control
What started as a spark
Is quickly becoming an inferno
And I’m beginning to suffocate
As the smoke engulfs me from within
The pain in my chest cripples me
As the fire not satiated by my heart
Spreads outwards
And cremates me alive
The pain is nothing short of excruciating
And as the fire reaches my lungs
It becomes impossible to breathe
Then it hits the oxygen within
I’m paralysed with pain
When the fire explodes from me
I expect to die, burned alive
But something unexpected happens
For, all the time I was preoccupied by fire
My pain was also flowing out of me
So much so
I was beginning to drown
When the fire broke from me
It wasn’t just met by oxygen
It was quenched
By a torrent of emotion
@ Toni Higgs 10/02/10
Asphyxiation (Written 27 Jan 2010)
This is partly inspired by "Like St Valentine" by HIM:
ASPHYXIATION
The clouds came in so thick and so fast
And coated us in death
For you the end came quick
For me it takes its time
You took your last breath
When you were scorched forever stuck in time
I’m instantly paralysed but sentenced
To die a slow, agonising death
I look at your now peaceful statue
Glad that you, at least are free
While ash silently smothers me
Burning me so painfully slow
It’s clogging my airways
And burning my flesh
The weight upon my lashes
Begin to force what is left of my eyelids shut
So I take my last chance to look at you
And, happy that you are encased forever by my side
I remember how we once were
And let the darkness capture me
Although I can no longer see
I can still feel my body being scorched
It feels like my bones are being cooked
And like my lungs are lined with ash
I feel like I’m stuck in an agonising nightmare
But this is all too real
And even though the physical pain is excruciating
Being here knowing you are gone is worse
So as I lie here aware of nothing but pain
I think of you and how we love each other
And let that be my consolation prize
Until our spirits reunite
© Toni Higgs 27/01/10
ASPHYXIATION
The clouds came in so thick and so fast
And coated us in death
For you the end came quick
For me it takes its time
You took your last breath
When you were scorched forever stuck in time
I’m instantly paralysed but sentenced
To die a slow, agonising death
I look at your now peaceful statue
Glad that you, at least are free
While ash silently smothers me
Burning me so painfully slow
It’s clogging my airways
And burning my flesh
The weight upon my lashes
Begin to force what is left of my eyelids shut
So I take my last chance to look at you
And, happy that you are encased forever by my side
I remember how we once were
And let the darkness capture me
Although I can no longer see
I can still feel my body being scorched
It feels like my bones are being cooked
And like my lungs are lined with ash
I feel like I’m stuck in an agonising nightmare
But this is all too real
And even though the physical pain is excruciating
Being here knowing you are gone is worse
So as I lie here aware of nothing but pain
I think of you and how we love each other
And let that be my consolation prize
Until our spirits reunite
© Toni Higgs 27/01/10
The Promise (Finished 11 Jan 2010)
This is something I started writing a while ago that I put aside for a bit and just looked at it again today. It is partly inspired by The 69 Eyes album "Back in Blood":
THE PROMISE
Life without you is so dead and black
How I wish I could rewind time back
To have you with me once again
So you can take away all my pain
My heart died along with you
I buried it with you too
I don’t know how mortality, my body sustains
As the miracle of life no longer flows through my veins
I feel so alone
With my heart and soul gone
I have nothing left, to life give
Yet somehow I continue to live
Time passes so slowly now
And although I’ll never forget your vow
I wish the reaper soon, my life would take
As the longer I’m without you the loss of my sanity is at stake
I’m beginning to see
That something has happened to me
I don’t know what to do
The more time that passes, the more I seem to crave you
This is a new feeling
Which has set my mind reeling
A hunger is developing that is impossible to ignore
That has struck me at my very core
This need to be with you is insatiable
It’s making me feel increasingly uncomfortable
I know you said our love was eternal
But this wait to be with you again is so infernal
Although I love it when you are in my dreams
My temporary happiness is punctured by my own screams
Without you I’m lost within an abyss
And these dreams remind me of how much, you I miss
I have wanted many a time to my own life take
But my promise to you I could never bring myself to break
So while I wait, for both of us I live on
But know this my love. Rakastan sinua niin paljon
© Toni Higgs 11/01/10
THE PROMISE
Life without you is so dead and black
How I wish I could rewind time back
To have you with me once again
So you can take away all my pain
My heart died along with you
I buried it with you too
I don’t know how mortality, my body sustains
As the miracle of life no longer flows through my veins
I feel so alone
With my heart and soul gone
I have nothing left, to life give
Yet somehow I continue to live
Time passes so slowly now
And although I’ll never forget your vow
I wish the reaper soon, my life would take
As the longer I’m without you the loss of my sanity is at stake
I’m beginning to see
That something has happened to me
I don’t know what to do
The more time that passes, the more I seem to crave you
This is a new feeling
Which has set my mind reeling
A hunger is developing that is impossible to ignore
That has struck me at my very core
This need to be with you is insatiable
It’s making me feel increasingly uncomfortable
I know you said our love was eternal
But this wait to be with you again is so infernal
Although I love it when you are in my dreams
My temporary happiness is punctured by my own screams
Without you I’m lost within an abyss
And these dreams remind me of how much, you I miss
I have wanted many a time to my own life take
But my promise to you I could never bring myself to break
So while I wait, for both of us I live on
But know this my love. Rakastan sinua niin paljon
© Toni Higgs 11/01/10
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