New Site

Ok folks my ME has affected my ability to write creatively and my ability to be on the computer as much as I'd like so I started a Livejournal to attempt to raise awareness for ME.

I discovered I can post entries to livejournal with my mobile even via the main site and I can't do that here. I try and post entries whenever I'm feeling well enough to do so or got something worth saying

The site is See Me

Update

Sorry that I have not been on here much lately.

For those following who do not know yet I became ill with the flu in January and although it went away it came back 2 weeks later. The flu went away again but I just never recovered. I got tested for kidney, liver, thyroid and hormone problems, infections and arthritic conditions. The dr even tried to blame it all on my depression.

Eventually I was referred to a specialist. I saw him on 18 July and he took a full blood work and also tested me for Addison's Disease (where the adrenal glands don't work right) and I had to go back for results on 22 August. When I went back he told me that he was still waiting on results for my level of vitamin D but apart from a slightly raised white cell count (probably as a result of a simple respiratory infection (but nothing to worry about now)) all my test results were fine.

This left only 2 things and because I had symptoms of both he diagnosed me with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia.

He's put me on Gabapentin which over the course of a week I built up to 900mg a day and 20mg of Amitriptyline a day and I have to go back on 28 Oct. I have also since had a letter off him to say my vitamin D levels are low so as of yesterday (since it's after midnight) I was started on a vitamin D3 (Calcium) supplement

So yeah that's why I haven't posted much on here lately

Gray Days (written 17/03/11)

This is inspired by and includes references to Sonata Arctica's album "The Days of Grays":

GRAY DAYS

In my bed sobbing I lie
As you, my only love had to die
Your death painted one of my grayest days
I prayed life is just a phase

Lost and broken I didn’t know what to do
There is no life without you
I can not control my life anymore
I’ve been shattered deep into my core

That I am happy I am sick of pretending
As I have to act as if my world isn’t ending
No dream can heal my broken heart
When we’re apart

I honestly can’t believe you’re gone
I’m suffering every moment I’m left without you, alone
The one thing that nobody can see
Is every night when I'm turning in my tears find me

At times I see no reason to live in this hell
I need someone to tell
Me exactly why
Your death shouldn’t be my sole reason to die

I hate that no one can tell me why
You, my love had to die
I’m driving myself to despair
Wondering if the truth is out there, somewhere

I really hope that there
Is more than life we can share
As the thought of never seeing you again
Only serves to intensify my pain

The hope that when my time comes after many years, we get to be
Together for all eternity
When we can once again hold each other and know we are free
Rakastan sinua niin paljon ritarini


© Toni Higgs 17/03/11

Hidden (writen 15/02/11)

Struggling against an invisible foe
No one can see no one will know
I may look ok
But I'm fighting internal decay

I'm slowly dying deep within my core
I am not me any more
It's all regrets and grief
I'm desperate for any measure of relief

I don't know how much more I can take
I feel fit to break
But no one can help me
For it's not something they can see


© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Drowning (written 15/02/11)

Living in unbearable pain
Time passes but I still feel the same
I need so much to be with you again

Drowning in my own grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

I wish I was numb
Living without you is no fun
The torture had begun

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

The weight I'm bearing is so heavy I can't breathe
A pain that's hard to believe
A pain without reprieve

I'm drowning in my grief
I need relief
The current is too strong
I'll be swept away before too long

Sinking
Suffocating
Seccumbing
Slowly drowning
In grief

© Toni Higgs 15/02/11

Then and Now

I was sat here
Without you
I was filled with fear
And I didn’t know what to do

When you died
I died too
Weak and broken I tried
To follow you

I didn’t want to feel
The way I did anymore
I begged “Please don’t let this be real!
Please let my life be like it was before!”

Without you I was lost
Within a maze fraught with sadness and pain
My sanity was the cost
In order to start again
****

Without you to help navigate
It was not an easy road
My lack of knowledge on me did grate
Without your reassuring highway code

I wished I could see you
To know you were alright
I really needed you
To will me not to give up this fight

I needed a sign
I needed to know
That you were indeed fine
Instead of hearing yet another imagined echo

If you had a look
You would’ve found
That without your love’s hook
My heart and mind unwound
****

That was then
And this is now
My days are beginning to brighten
I’m just living, somehow

I know that in time
I’ll be with you again
Then everything will once again be divine
As I’ll be with my soul mate and free from this pain


© Toni Higgs 25/01/11

Of Tax and Death (written 06/04/06)

It stands crumbling and in ruins behind aging police tape and barbed wire. This was once the base of the Inland Revenue’s call centre in Edinburgh but now years later it stands on it’s last legs yet no one will attempt to demolish it because of the various myths and legends passed down over the years as it is rumoured to have so many deadly curses.

A group of local school children stand just behind the barbed wire and gaze up at the ruins in awe but, none of them were brave enough to go any closer for they had heard what had happened to local tough kid John Smith.

John was the last of the tough kids to venture past the barbed wire and tape and step over the threshold and into the ruins. When he returned home he could barely walk, was burning up, complaining of aches and pains and had almost lost his voice. The doctor was called but no physical explanation could be found for his symptoms. A week passed and he still hadn’t spoken or eaten so he was placed in a secure psychiatric unit where, he still remains today, improving slowly but he still won’t talk about what happened that day. All that could be gathered through his drawings is that the building is haunted. That happened twenty years ago.

This is where I come in because I know what really happened here. Let me take you back five hundred years to the 3rd April 2006.

Fraser Graham had been off his work for two days with a very bad cold already and was having to take another day off even though he couldn’t really afford to as he already knew that today was the busiest day of the year and also because he had very little money. He had hoped that the weekend would’ve given him time to feel better but unfortunately it hadn’t so he rang his work to say that he was no better so wouldn’t be able to come in and that he was sorry because he knew it was the busiest day. His supervisor wasn’t pleased and said that wasn’t good enough and that he would have to come into work.

So with his tissues in check and his eyes and nose streaming from the cold Fraser set off on the 2 bus journey to his work. He arrived there and settled into taking calls from people wanting various tax forms.

As the day progressed Fraser’s condition worsened as the cold progressed down into his asthma ravaged chest which made it extremely difficult for him to breathe. By the time it got to the afternoon break Fraser was too weak to move so he just stayed in the office while everyone else went out for some fresh air. During the break Fraser grew weaker and weaker until his heart could take no more and he quietly passed away. His body slumped forward and downward in his seat and his head landed face down on his desk. Just as everyone was returning from their break there were two faint clouds rising from his body. One was his soul being set free and the other was the cold virus escaping from his ever cooling shell before its life was claimed too.

Fraser’s passing was discovered very quickly and everyone was deeply saddened. His family were notified and everyone was taken aback by how suddenly it had all happened and his supervisor was overcome with guilt. What they didn’t know was that there was something worse lurking just around the corner.

Over the coming weeks everyone that worked in the building were struck with a mysterious cold virus and they died in the exact same way Fraser has, this being quietly at work during their afternoon break.

Last to die was the supervisor but something about her death was different. Her soul did not float free from her dead shell that was her body. Her soul got dragged downwards by the overpowering force that was the calling of the devil, with whom she came face to face with at the gates of hell.

Lucifer told her that what she had done was too bad even for his hell so he was condemning her to an eternity in her own hell. It was there he said that she would be surrounded by the things she had feared most in life. With that the vision of hell disappeared and the next thing she knew she was back in the office where she worked.

The office was now empty with a haunting atmosphere to it as it still contained all the furniture that it did when it was populated with people. The supervisor’s soul sat alone in the corner quivering slightly at the thought of what the devil could’ve meant by “her hell”. She didn’t have to wait long before the answer was revealed.

She heard something in the distance but she wasn’t sure what it was but she didn’t have to go looking because whatever it was sounded as if it was coming for her. The noise was getting louder and angrier and it was just about at the point where she knew what it was when she saw it. The biggest beehive she had ever seen!

She stared, eyes transfixed on the monstrosity before her which was buzzing madly. Then the fear set in. She was now alive with fear and hyperventilating. She knew she couldn’t escape. She wanted to scream but didn’t want to provoke the bees into an attack. Plus would screaming accomplish anything, for she was no longer part of the human world?

She then started seeing things. She didn’t know whether this was another of the devil’s surprises or whether she had gone mad due to the fear of having thousands of bees for company. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes again. It was then she realised that what she was seeing were the ghosts of her former employees. They crowded in around about her and sat glaring at her through angry eyes. Angriest of all were the eyes of Fraser Graham. The supervisor sat there sick with fear. This was her for eternity, she thought. She was petrified.

Meanwhile in the human world life went on as best it could. People struggled to understand what had happened in the office as investigation after investigation couldn’t find an explanation for all the deaths. Eventually, the case was closed and the building was advertised to allow other companies to utilise its space.

The first company moved in in the February of 2008. Everything went great until 3rd April when everybody in the building became ill with a severe cold and then heard voices warning them to leave now or lose their lives. By the end of the week, they were gone.

This happened to every company who moved into the premises over the next three hundred years so after that word got around and people stopped coming and the building fell into disrepair,

A few years later the building was deemed unsafe. It was then the council sentenced it to demolition in the interest of public safety.

An inspector moved in a few days later to cordon off the area and inspect the building to see where it was best to position the explosives.

Soon after he entered he started to feel like he had a severe cold so he decided that the curse must be true so he was going to get out there as quick as he could and to hell with the investigation. He turned to go towards where the door once was but before he could go any further another bit of the already ruined building crumbled away and came hurtling towards the ground exactly where he was standing. He heard the noise, looked up and was away to move but it was too late. It came crashing down on him, crushing him to death.

After that everyone refused to go near the building because they had seen too many deaths to think it was all a coincidence. They now knew it was a curse.

No one ventured over the threshold again for another one hundred and seventy eight years. By then the people who had seen the curse at work had long since died and myths and legends had been born and no one knew what the real curse was if there even was a curse to begin with. That person was tough kid John Smith and we all know what happened to him.

So back to today 3rd April 2506. The kids have gathered outside the ruins as they have done on this day for the last fifteen years (it had become a tradition) to stand and admire this failing structure and also to discuss what they think really happened five hundred years ago.

I have took the time and told you the REAL story and maybe there will be another kid that will be brave enough to discover the truth one day, who knows? Until then Edinburgh is safe once more.

Deep - a Haiku (Written 18/10/10)

It cut me so deep
When you had to leave this realm
I cry crimson tears

© Toni Higgs 18/10/10

Sedated

So tired, so relaxed and heavy, can’t focus, yet somehow
Alert
Feeling numb and empty
Yet I know my emotions are there
Just not
Quite
Within
My
Comprehension
Everything’s a daze, a blur, dreamlike
Feeling warm and fuzzy as if I’m merry on drink
The day seeming to
Drag
Yet simultaneously
Fly
Not quite sure what I’ve done, what I’m doing, or where this is going
Just typing, not really seeing, just…..
Hungry, so hungry
But
Not really
Just mindlessly eating
Carrying on as if a machine
Losing thoughts
Forgetting
What was the point of this?
****
Trying to remember where
This is going
And what I’ve already written
****
Staring
Wondering
Trying to make sense of what’s going
On inside of my head right now
****
So tired, so relaxed and heavy, can’t focus, yet somehow
Alert
Feeling numb and empty
And
Everything
Is running
Ever
So
Slow
That is feels like
I might just suddenly
****
Stop

 
© Toni Higgs 12/09/10

Random Photographs taken in my bedroom

Just some random pictures (taken in the dark)

Happy 10th Anniversary Steven

10 Yellow roses for 10 years -


Rakastan sinua niin paljon ritarini xxxxxx
Love you forever, Eternally yours
Your Damsel
xxxxxxxxxx

 

Twist - a haiku (written 28/08/10)

Heart already weak
They go and stab the knife in
Heart is now broken


© Toni Higgs 28/08/10

Need - a haiku (written 26/08/10)

Losing to madness
Still craving for the answer
This is killing me


© Toni Higgs 26/08/10

To Gina

Just a little something I came up with as a thank you to Gina Zavalis - Thank you so much *hugs*

TO GINA

I picture you writing
With tears in your eyes
While you open up your heart
For us all to hear

I can’t help but feel
Your music reach for me
And when I feel all alone
I know where you will be

Your music comforts me
While I am here, lost
Longing to be with the one I love
Your songs make me feel free

So while I’m
Paralysed, confused and frozen
You are stopping me from fading away
While I’m waiting for my time to go home

You help me stop
And focus on every breath
To help me keep my solemn promise to my love
And soothe me as I give my heart a fighting chance


© Toni Higgs 25/08/10

* text in blue are titles of Gina's songs

The Letter (1170)

This is my story, I was able to write it after listening to Gina Zavalis' self titled debut album...so thank you Gina :)

THE LETTER (1170)

To see the world through your eyes Is something I am longing for
All this waiting sometimes feels too much
But I could never break my promise to you
One broken heart is enough

If this pain was due to anything else
I’d completely crumble
But I take it and take it gladly
As it’s the only proof that
What we shared
Was once a reality
And not just a long
Forgotten dream
Or worse
A fantasy

I remember back a decade
To when we first met
I was almost eighteen
And you were fourteen
You told me it was love at first sight
A love that happened by chance
A love that came at the right time
A love that I wouldn’t have changed
Had I seen what the future held for us

You were wise beyond your years
And neither of us cared for our disabilities
Or what anyone else thought
We knew what we felt for each other
Even if we couldn’t see
What we saw in each other
Our love was definitely real

We supported each other
Through the good and the bad
You gave me a sense of purpose
You made me feel needed
Instead of the one doing all the needing
And judging by how often
You text me and
How quickly you panicked
I think I did the same
For you

Three years passed
And our love was still strong
Then one night
The reaper visited your dreams
And stole you away
And that night
Became the beginning
Of your body’s
Eternal rest

Shocked and stunned
I couldn’t
Believe
That you
Were
Gone
My world
That day
Was shattered
I couldn’t
Understand why
You had
To die
So young
At just
Seventeen

It felt like nothing
Could soothe my pain
I was pinning my hopes
On your post mortem
Only to be crushed again
When even that
Held no answers
So I was left
Eternally wondering
Eternally asking
Why

The next blow came
With your funeral
As forgotten was
My 21st birthday
Instead of celebrations
Only commiserations
As I lost much
More than you
I left my heart
There with you
As you are
The only one
I knew it’d be
Safe with

Seven years have past
Since you were taken from me
Still no answers
Still asking why
I know this need
Is slowly killing me
But I died with you
Except my
Body and mind are still
Alive

There are times
You feel so close
I try to
Reach for you
And I know you
Can see me
Those times
Both comfort me
Yet tease me
A reminder
That I am here
On Earth while
You’re free
As a bird
But don’t stop
Coming, please
I wouldn’t want
To be
Totally without
You

So through
Tear-stained glasses
I write this
To let you know
That until
It’s my time
I promise to live on
Let fate take control
And live for
Both of us
Safe in the knowledge
That you are
Keeping a promise too
The promise
To wait
For
Me


© Toni Higgs 25/08/10

Heart & Mind

I know my need for you
Will only harm to me do
That much I can see
As you’ve not completely blinded me
I try to fight the urge
My need for you I badly want to purge

But with this spell cast by you
I’m powerless to anything do

CHORUS
My need for you
Has invaded my brain
You are so close
To driving me insane

You have gained
Possession of my soul
So you’re quickly becoming
My life’s one and only goal

I know you’re just tearing me apart
Creating an even bigger hole in my heart
I really do kick myself
For not being able to put my need of you neatly away on a shelf
With you I am beguiled
Even though you’re driving me wild

I’ve honestly tried my best
But without you I can’t rest

CHORUS x2

I think you’ll find
You’ve caused a war between my heart and mind


© Toni Higgs 24/08/10

Heart of Destruction

Black smothers my heart
Suffocating it
Then all it takes
Is one little thing
To smash
My now brittle heart
To smithereens

Shards now free
The air from my lungs
Subjecting them to
A shared fate

Not content on
Robbing me of air
The shards of my heart
Tear through
My entire body
Searing pain
Like thousands of
Red hot pokers
Burning through me
At once

Eventually
The pieces of my heart
Pierce through
My skin
And fall
To the floor

I’m broken
And I’m bloody
Cut to pieces
By my own
Broken heart

Shaking from
The shock
Breathless from
The pain
I look at the mess
Before my eyes
And wonder how
I can possibly
Rebuild myself again

© Toni Higgs 13/08/10

Jay Link's One Liner Doll (written 20 Jul 2010)

Ok so I wrote this after reading some of Jay Liink's collected one liners. I enjoyed them so thought that if he put his favourite ones in a book he could market them as laughter therapy. Then I thought we could make a Jay doll that featured his fave quotes and his laugh. So this was written as a little ditty to market the idea with. It also features references to the 5 songs of his that I have heard:

Feeling like no one could save you now?
Like all the hope from is gone from your life?
Well we may just have the answer.
Don't let depression win hands down
Come put your trust in Jay Link and his one liners to restore the serenity in your life


© Toni Higgs 20/07/10

Longing To Let Go (written 08 Jul 2010)

This was partly inspired by "Amy" by Jack Stevens - didn't exactly turn out as I thought it would but here it is anyway:

LONGING TO LET GO

Lost in time
Everything has stopped
Time has passed
No one can see
The struggle
That’s still going on
Inside of me

The world carries on
People have moved on
But I am stuck
Frozen in time

I have accepted
That you my love
Now play among the spirits
Lost to the mortal realm
Forever

The one thing that
Has me stuck like superglue
Is not knowing why
Why you my love
Had to die
But it seems that
Nobody has the answer
To such a simple question

I have had to
Cope with death before
And again since
But my love
Yours is the only death
That has been left unexplained

 It’s eating me up
It’s tearing me apart
In every way imaginable
My need for a reason
Is slowly killing me
I can see it happening
Right before my eyes

I wish I could
Kill this need
And be able to
Accept it as
One of life’s mysteries
Before it completely kills me
And I fall to pieces
Unhinged by a love
And need that’s so strong
I wish I could
Kill this need
And stop it from
Making me waste
The rest of my life
Away




© Toni Higgs 08/07/10

Awaken Your Demonic Lycan to the World of Darren Shan

Inspired by the books of Darren Shan::

AWAKEN YOUR DEMONIC LYCAN TO THE WORLD OF DARREN SHAN

Hey you there, do you like books
That really do give you the spooks
Ones filled with vampires, werewolves, demons and more
Not to mention a ton of gore?

In his first series
Could you please
Prepare yourself for the fright
Of a boy thrust into a land ruled by creatures of the night

Next came Koyasan
Scared of spirits, away from the graveyard she always ran
Then one day she knew she’d have
To face her fear to her sister’s soul save

Grubbs Grady saw his parents and sister Slawtered
To this day it still stays in his head
But that no longer seems to matter
Now he finds himself in the horrific world of the Demonata

Lets meet a boy who embarks on a quest
To prove to his father that he is willing to try his best
To fulfil his destiny and an executioner become
Despite being “thin and scrawny, Jebel Rum”

And for those of us no longer in our teens
Comes an urban gangster series
For something a bit more noir and gritty
Why don’t you let The Cardinal welcome you to his city?

Now if all of this appeals to you
There’s only one thing left to do
For nail biting horror and gritty thrillers, he’s your man
Go buy a book by Darren Shan


© Toni Higgs 16/08/07 (added to May 10 and again July 10)