Of Tax and Death (written 06/04/06)

It stands crumbling and in ruins behind aging police tape and barbed wire. This was once the base of the Inland Revenue’s call centre in Edinburgh but now years later it stands on it’s last legs yet no one will attempt to demolish it because of the various myths and legends passed down over the years as it is rumoured to have so many deadly curses.

A group of local school children stand just behind the barbed wire and gaze up at the ruins in awe but, none of them were brave enough to go any closer for they had heard what had happened to local tough kid John Smith.

John was the last of the tough kids to venture past the barbed wire and tape and step over the threshold and into the ruins. When he returned home he could barely walk, was burning up, complaining of aches and pains and had almost lost his voice. The doctor was called but no physical explanation could be found for his symptoms. A week passed and he still hadn’t spoken or eaten so he was placed in a secure psychiatric unit where, he still remains today, improving slowly but he still won’t talk about what happened that day. All that could be gathered through his drawings is that the building is haunted. That happened twenty years ago.

This is where I come in because I know what really happened here. Let me take you back five hundred years to the 3rd April 2006.

Fraser Graham had been off his work for two days with a very bad cold already and was having to take another day off even though he couldn’t really afford to as he already knew that today was the busiest day of the year and also because he had very little money. He had hoped that the weekend would’ve given him time to feel better but unfortunately it hadn’t so he rang his work to say that he was no better so wouldn’t be able to come in and that he was sorry because he knew it was the busiest day. His supervisor wasn’t pleased and said that wasn’t good enough and that he would have to come into work.

So with his tissues in check and his eyes and nose streaming from the cold Fraser set off on the 2 bus journey to his work. He arrived there and settled into taking calls from people wanting various tax forms.

As the day progressed Fraser’s condition worsened as the cold progressed down into his asthma ravaged chest which made it extremely difficult for him to breathe. By the time it got to the afternoon break Fraser was too weak to move so he just stayed in the office while everyone else went out for some fresh air. During the break Fraser grew weaker and weaker until his heart could take no more and he quietly passed away. His body slumped forward and downward in his seat and his head landed face down on his desk. Just as everyone was returning from their break there were two faint clouds rising from his body. One was his soul being set free and the other was the cold virus escaping from his ever cooling shell before its life was claimed too.

Fraser’s passing was discovered very quickly and everyone was deeply saddened. His family were notified and everyone was taken aback by how suddenly it had all happened and his supervisor was overcome with guilt. What they didn’t know was that there was something worse lurking just around the corner.

Over the coming weeks everyone that worked in the building were struck with a mysterious cold virus and they died in the exact same way Fraser has, this being quietly at work during their afternoon break.

Last to die was the supervisor but something about her death was different. Her soul did not float free from her dead shell that was her body. Her soul got dragged downwards by the overpowering force that was the calling of the devil, with whom she came face to face with at the gates of hell.

Lucifer told her that what she had done was too bad even for his hell so he was condemning her to an eternity in her own hell. It was there he said that she would be surrounded by the things she had feared most in life. With that the vision of hell disappeared and the next thing she knew she was back in the office where she worked.

The office was now empty with a haunting atmosphere to it as it still contained all the furniture that it did when it was populated with people. The supervisor’s soul sat alone in the corner quivering slightly at the thought of what the devil could’ve meant by “her hell”. She didn’t have to wait long before the answer was revealed.

She heard something in the distance but she wasn’t sure what it was but she didn’t have to go looking because whatever it was sounded as if it was coming for her. The noise was getting louder and angrier and it was just about at the point where she knew what it was when she saw it. The biggest beehive she had ever seen!

She stared, eyes transfixed on the monstrosity before her which was buzzing madly. Then the fear set in. She was now alive with fear and hyperventilating. She knew she couldn’t escape. She wanted to scream but didn’t want to provoke the bees into an attack. Plus would screaming accomplish anything, for she was no longer part of the human world?

She then started seeing things. She didn’t know whether this was another of the devil’s surprises or whether she had gone mad due to the fear of having thousands of bees for company. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes again. It was then she realised that what she was seeing were the ghosts of her former employees. They crowded in around about her and sat glaring at her through angry eyes. Angriest of all were the eyes of Fraser Graham. The supervisor sat there sick with fear. This was her for eternity, she thought. She was petrified.

Meanwhile in the human world life went on as best it could. People struggled to understand what had happened in the office as investigation after investigation couldn’t find an explanation for all the deaths. Eventually, the case was closed and the building was advertised to allow other companies to utilise its space.

The first company moved in in the February of 2008. Everything went great until 3rd April when everybody in the building became ill with a severe cold and then heard voices warning them to leave now or lose their lives. By the end of the week, they were gone.

This happened to every company who moved into the premises over the next three hundred years so after that word got around and people stopped coming and the building fell into disrepair,

A few years later the building was deemed unsafe. It was then the council sentenced it to demolition in the interest of public safety.

An inspector moved in a few days later to cordon off the area and inspect the building to see where it was best to position the explosives.

Soon after he entered he started to feel like he had a severe cold so he decided that the curse must be true so he was going to get out there as quick as he could and to hell with the investigation. He turned to go towards where the door once was but before he could go any further another bit of the already ruined building crumbled away and came hurtling towards the ground exactly where he was standing. He heard the noise, looked up and was away to move but it was too late. It came crashing down on him, crushing him to death.

After that everyone refused to go near the building because they had seen too many deaths to think it was all a coincidence. They now knew it was a curse.

No one ventured over the threshold again for another one hundred and seventy eight years. By then the people who had seen the curse at work had long since died and myths and legends had been born and no one knew what the real curse was if there even was a curse to begin with. That person was tough kid John Smith and we all know what happened to him.

So back to today 3rd April 2506. The kids have gathered outside the ruins as they have done on this day for the last fifteen years (it had become a tradition) to stand and admire this failing structure and also to discuss what they think really happened five hundred years ago.

I have took the time and told you the REAL story and maybe there will be another kid that will be brave enough to discover the truth one day, who knows? Until then Edinburgh is safe once more.

Deep - a Haiku (Written 18/10/10)

It cut me so deep
When you had to leave this realm
I cry crimson tears

© Toni Higgs 18/10/10

Sedated

So tired, so relaxed and heavy, can’t focus, yet somehow
Alert
Feeling numb and empty
Yet I know my emotions are there
Just not
Quite
Within
My
Comprehension
Everything’s a daze, a blur, dreamlike
Feeling warm and fuzzy as if I’m merry on drink
The day seeming to
Drag
Yet simultaneously
Fly
Not quite sure what I’ve done, what I’m doing, or where this is going
Just typing, not really seeing, just…..
Hungry, so hungry
But
Not really
Just mindlessly eating
Carrying on as if a machine
Losing thoughts
Forgetting
What was the point of this?
****
Trying to remember where
This is going
And what I’ve already written
****
Staring
Wondering
Trying to make sense of what’s going
On inside of my head right now
****
So tired, so relaxed and heavy, can’t focus, yet somehow
Alert
Feeling numb and empty
And
Everything
Is running
Ever
So
Slow
That is feels like
I might just suddenly
****
Stop

 
© Toni Higgs 12/09/10

Random Photographs taken in my bedroom

Just some random pictures (taken in the dark)

Happy 10th Anniversary Steven

10 Yellow roses for 10 years -


Rakastan sinua niin paljon ritarini xxxxxx
Love you forever, Eternally yours
Your Damsel
xxxxxxxxxx

 

Twist - a haiku (written 28/08/10)

Heart already weak
They go and stab the knife in
Heart is now broken


© Toni Higgs 28/08/10

Need - a haiku (written 26/08/10)

Losing to madness
Still craving for the answer
This is killing me


© Toni Higgs 26/08/10

To Gina

Just a little something I came up with as a thank you to Gina Zavalis - Thank you so much *hugs*

TO GINA

I picture you writing
With tears in your eyes
While you open up your heart
For us all to hear

I can’t help but feel
Your music reach for me
And when I feel all alone
I know where you will be

Your music comforts me
While I am here, lost
Longing to be with the one I love
Your songs make me feel free

So while I’m
Paralysed, confused and frozen
You are stopping me from fading away
While I’m waiting for my time to go home

You help me stop
And focus on every breath
To help me keep my solemn promise to my love
And soothe me as I give my heart a fighting chance


© Toni Higgs 25/08/10

* text in blue are titles of Gina's songs

The Letter (1170)

This is my story, I was able to write it after listening to Gina Zavalis' self titled debut album...so thank you Gina :)

THE LETTER (1170)

To see the world through your eyes Is something I am longing for
All this waiting sometimes feels too much
But I could never break my promise to you
One broken heart is enough

If this pain was due to anything else
I’d completely crumble
But I take it and take it gladly
As it’s the only proof that
What we shared
Was once a reality
And not just a long
Forgotten dream
Or worse
A fantasy

I remember back a decade
To when we first met
I was almost eighteen
And you were fourteen
You told me it was love at first sight
A love that happened by chance
A love that came at the right time
A love that I wouldn’t have changed
Had I seen what the future held for us

You were wise beyond your years
And neither of us cared for our disabilities
Or what anyone else thought
We knew what we felt for each other
Even if we couldn’t see
What we saw in each other
Our love was definitely real

We supported each other
Through the good and the bad
You gave me a sense of purpose
You made me feel needed
Instead of the one doing all the needing
And judging by how often
You text me and
How quickly you panicked
I think I did the same
For you

Three years passed
And our love was still strong
Then one night
The reaper visited your dreams
And stole you away
And that night
Became the beginning
Of your body’s
Eternal rest

Shocked and stunned
I couldn’t
Believe
That you
Were
Gone
My world
That day
Was shattered
I couldn’t
Understand why
You had
To die
So young
At just
Seventeen

It felt like nothing
Could soothe my pain
I was pinning my hopes
On your post mortem
Only to be crushed again
When even that
Held no answers
So I was left
Eternally wondering
Eternally asking
Why

The next blow came
With your funeral
As forgotten was
My 21st birthday
Instead of celebrations
Only commiserations
As I lost much
More than you
I left my heart
There with you
As you are
The only one
I knew it’d be
Safe with

Seven years have past
Since you were taken from me
Still no answers
Still asking why
I know this need
Is slowly killing me
But I died with you
Except my
Body and mind are still
Alive

There are times
You feel so close
I try to
Reach for you
And I know you
Can see me
Those times
Both comfort me
Yet tease me
A reminder
That I am here
On Earth while
You’re free
As a bird
But don’t stop
Coming, please
I wouldn’t want
To be
Totally without
You

So through
Tear-stained glasses
I write this
To let you know
That until
It’s my time
I promise to live on
Let fate take control
And live for
Both of us
Safe in the knowledge
That you are
Keeping a promise too
The promise
To wait
For
Me


© Toni Higgs 25/08/10

Heart & Mind

I know my need for you
Will only harm to me do
That much I can see
As you’ve not completely blinded me
I try to fight the urge
My need for you I badly want to purge

But with this spell cast by you
I’m powerless to anything do

CHORUS
My need for you
Has invaded my brain
You are so close
To driving me insane

You have gained
Possession of my soul
So you’re quickly becoming
My life’s one and only goal

I know you’re just tearing me apart
Creating an even bigger hole in my heart
I really do kick myself
For not being able to put my need of you neatly away on a shelf
With you I am beguiled
Even though you’re driving me wild

I’ve honestly tried my best
But without you I can’t rest

CHORUS x2

I think you’ll find
You’ve caused a war between my heart and mind


© Toni Higgs 24/08/10

Heart of Destruction

Black smothers my heart
Suffocating it
Then all it takes
Is one little thing
To smash
My now brittle heart
To smithereens

Shards now free
The air from my lungs
Subjecting them to
A shared fate

Not content on
Robbing me of air
The shards of my heart
Tear through
My entire body
Searing pain
Like thousands of
Red hot pokers
Burning through me
At once

Eventually
The pieces of my heart
Pierce through
My skin
And fall
To the floor

I’m broken
And I’m bloody
Cut to pieces
By my own
Broken heart

Shaking from
The shock
Breathless from
The pain
I look at the mess
Before my eyes
And wonder how
I can possibly
Rebuild myself again

© Toni Higgs 13/08/10

Jay Link's One Liner Doll (written 20 Jul 2010)

Ok so I wrote this after reading some of Jay Liink's collected one liners. I enjoyed them so thought that if he put his favourite ones in a book he could market them as laughter therapy. Then I thought we could make a Jay doll that featured his fave quotes and his laugh. So this was written as a little ditty to market the idea with. It also features references to the 5 songs of his that I have heard:

Feeling like no one could save you now?
Like all the hope from is gone from your life?
Well we may just have the answer.
Don't let depression win hands down
Come put your trust in Jay Link and his one liners to restore the serenity in your life


© Toni Higgs 20/07/10

Longing To Let Go (written 08 Jul 2010)

This was partly inspired by "Amy" by Jack Stevens - didn't exactly turn out as I thought it would but here it is anyway:

LONGING TO LET GO

Lost in time
Everything has stopped
Time has passed
No one can see
The struggle
That’s still going on
Inside of me

The world carries on
People have moved on
But I am stuck
Frozen in time

I have accepted
That you my love
Now play among the spirits
Lost to the mortal realm
Forever

The one thing that
Has me stuck like superglue
Is not knowing why
Why you my love
Had to die
But it seems that
Nobody has the answer
To such a simple question

I have had to
Cope with death before
And again since
But my love
Yours is the only death
That has been left unexplained

 It’s eating me up
It’s tearing me apart
In every way imaginable
My need for a reason
Is slowly killing me
I can see it happening
Right before my eyes

I wish I could
Kill this need
And be able to
Accept it as
One of life’s mysteries
Before it completely kills me
And I fall to pieces
Unhinged by a love
And need that’s so strong
I wish I could
Kill this need
And stop it from
Making me waste
The rest of my life
Away




© Toni Higgs 08/07/10

Awaken Your Demonic Lycan to the World of Darren Shan

Inspired by the books of Darren Shan::

AWAKEN YOUR DEMONIC LYCAN TO THE WORLD OF DARREN SHAN

Hey you there, do you like books
That really do give you the spooks
Ones filled with vampires, werewolves, demons and more
Not to mention a ton of gore?

In his first series
Could you please
Prepare yourself for the fright
Of a boy thrust into a land ruled by creatures of the night

Next came Koyasan
Scared of spirits, away from the graveyard she always ran
Then one day she knew she’d have
To face her fear to her sister’s soul save

Grubbs Grady saw his parents and sister Slawtered
To this day it still stays in his head
But that no longer seems to matter
Now he finds himself in the horrific world of the Demonata

Lets meet a boy who embarks on a quest
To prove to his father that he is willing to try his best
To fulfil his destiny and an executioner become
Despite being “thin and scrawny, Jebel Rum”

And for those of us no longer in our teens
Comes an urban gangster series
For something a bit more noir and gritty
Why don’t you let The Cardinal welcome you to his city?

Now if all of this appeals to you
There’s only one thing left to do
For nail biting horror and gritty thrillers, he’s your man
Go buy a book by Darren Shan


© Toni Higgs 16/08/07 (added to May 10 and again July 10)

One Way Mirror (written 15 Jun 2010)

This poem was partly inspired by Russell Michael's song "Have You Ever Loved":

ONE WAY MIRROR

I sense you near me
So close at times
My skin tingles with your touch
Other times things
Are much more subtle
A presence too faint to notice
But I always know when you’re near

I can feel your touch
I can hear you there
My senses are alive
When you are near
But I am blind to you
My eyes just can’t see
What I know is there

What’s stopping me from seeing you
When you’re overloading my other senses?
What’s holding me back
From my visual awakening?
I can see everything else
That feels this real to me
So why can’t I see you?

You have the ability to find me
No matter where I am
Free to come and go as you please
But I’m left staggering aimlessly searching
Trying desperately to see anything
Through the drunken stupor
Your presence is intoxicating
My other senses with


© Toni Higgs 15/06/10

If Scotland Signed the Doctor (written 12 Jun 2010)

This was inspired by Doctor Who Series 31 Episode 11 "The Lodger":

If Scotland signed Doctor Who
We'd be on the up and up
This Time Lord's fancy foot work would surely get us through
And maybe even help us win the World Cup


© Toni Higgs 12/06/10

Invisible - 2 Haiku poems (written 12 Jun 2010)

I can sense you here
But can't see you anywhere
I miss you so much
&

I can sense you here
But can't see you anywhere
Show yourself to me


© Toni Higgs 12/06/10

Thank You Steven (Written 17 Apr 2010)

I miss you so
I wish you didn’t have to go
On my heart your death has left a permanent mark
And my life was lost to the dark
But then I remember……

I’m thankful to have known you while you were alive
Thankful to have been the one you loved
Grateful that you helped me experience the beauty
That comes from two people that are meant to be one

At night I end up lying awake
Feeling my heart agonisingly break
I always end up wondering why
And that often makes me cry
But then I remember……

I’m thankful for the things we shared
Thankful that for me you always cared
Grateful that you gave my life hope
Because you gave me a purpose and showed me that I was needed

There’s not one day where I don’t think of you
Or where I don’t wish I was with you
There are times when, for death I’d go any length
Because I feel I’ve been drained of all my strength
But then I remember……

I’m thankful that you were mine
Thankful that you had more faith in me than I had in myself
Grateful that even in death
You have promised to wait for me

Life without you physically here is hard
I wouldn’t expect it to be easy
But when I’m struggling I just have to remember
That you promised to wait for me


© Toni Higgs 17/04/10

Eternal (Written 13 Apr 2010)

I wish I could turn over and see
Your cheeky smile beaming back at me
And be comforted by the realisation that you’re still there
That the reality in which you were dead was just a nightmare
A reality that I can happily forget
As I know it wont happen for a long time yet

CHORUS 1:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I’d let you come to see me
Given us the chance, to alone together be
Like two people together normally
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever

I wish I could wake up and realise all this worry is unnecessary
Instead of being alone for yet another painful anniversary
Or that I lived in a reality where
Like Romeo and Juliet we died together
Instead of having to use all my strength and might
Just to keep my promise to you until our sprits re-unite

CHORUS 1

I wish I could talk to you
So you could my happiness, renew
Instead of spending my time wondering
If unknown to me that right next to me you are sitting
If it’s realistic of a reunion for me to hope
Or that in doing so my sanity is in fact hanging by an increasingly frayed and narrowing rope

CHORUS 2:
I wish I’d spent more time with you
And expressed just how much I love you
Much more than I used to
I wish I could honestly say that I tried my best
To see you one last time before you were laid to rest
But I wouldn’t have had the strength even if I had been feeling my best
I thought we’d spend our lives together
I thought this would end, never
But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever

I wish you knew the answers I’ve been longing to hear
The answers that would extinguish my fear
I wish that you could show me that everything I regret
Is not doing me any good and them I should just forget
And you don’t hate me for the things I promised you
The things that when it came to it I couldn’t do

CHORUS 2

But now it’s only my regrets that will live with me forever


© Toni Higgs 13/04/10

Said & Done (Written 12 Apr 2010)

I know life is precious
But I never expected it to be as hard as this
With the people I know and love dying so young
When their lives had barely begun

It should make me my life respect
Because I never know what to expect
But I find it hard to about my life care
When all I feel is despair

First there was my Nan, she was 67
My first real experience of someone going to heaven
Then there was Jean who was 60
Still very young to the pearly gates see
Steven, my Knight was next at just 17
I can only imagine what kind of man you would have been
And the things we might have done and seen
Claire was taken at 33
Before she got the chance to, the world see
And now Brian at 27
The same age as me but already taken to heaven

I know my experiences should teach me
To not let my life pass by me
But I’m too overcome by hurt
When I think of how short these lives have been cut
Too preoccupied by how bitter life is tasting
To realise how much of it I’m currently wasting

If I could look down on myself, I’d see I was doing wrong
But I’m too involved and all my rational reasoning is gone
I know I need to live my life for me and let its course run
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that things are always easier said than done


© Toni Higgs 12/04/10

Fire & Water (Written 10 Feb 2010)

This poem is partly inspired by "Katherine Wheel" by HIM:

FIRE AND WATER

You kept my heart going
Kept the fire within burning
And the molten core in check
Without letting the passion fade

When you died the eco-system within
Went out of sync
One stray spark caused my heart to ignite
But without you here there was nothing to get the ensuing fire under control

What started as a spark
Is quickly becoming an inferno
And I’m beginning to suffocate
As the smoke engulfs me from within

The pain in my chest cripples me
As the fire not satiated by my heart
Spreads outwards
And cremates me alive

The pain is nothing short of excruciating
And as the fire reaches my lungs
It becomes impossible to breathe
Then it hits the oxygen within

I’m paralysed with pain
When the fire explodes from me
I expect to die, burned alive
But something unexpected happens

For, all the time I was preoccupied by fire
My pain was also flowing out of me
So much so
I was beginning to drown

When the fire broke from me
It wasn’t just met by oxygen
It was quenched
By a torrent of emotion


@ Toni Higgs 10/02/10

Asphyxiation (Written 27 Jan 2010)

This is partly inspired by "Like St Valentine" by HIM:

ASPHYXIATION

The clouds came in so thick and so fast
And coated us in death
For you the end came quick
For me it takes its time

You took your last breath
When you were scorched forever stuck in time
I’m instantly paralysed but sentenced
To die a slow, agonising death

I look at your now peaceful statue
Glad that you, at least are free
While ash silently smothers me
Burning me so painfully slow

It’s clogging my airways
And burning my flesh
The weight upon my lashes
Begin to force what is left of my eyelids shut

So I take my last chance to look at you
And, happy that you are encased forever by my side
I remember how we once were
And let the darkness capture me

Although I can no longer see
I can still feel my body being scorched
It feels like my bones are being cooked
And like my lungs are lined with ash

I feel like I’m stuck in an agonising nightmare
But this is all too real
And even though the physical pain is excruciating
Being here knowing you are gone is worse

So as I lie here aware of nothing but pain
I think of you and how we love each other
And let that be my consolation prize
Until our spirits reunite


© Toni Higgs 27/01/10

The Promise (Finished 11 Jan 2010)

This is something I started writing a while ago that I put aside for a bit and just looked at it again today. It is partly inspired by The 69 Eyes album "Back in Blood":

THE PROMISE

Life without you is so dead and black
How I wish I could rewind time back
To have you with me once again
So you can take away all my pain

My heart died along with you
I buried it with you too
I don’t know how mortality, my body sustains
As the miracle of life no longer flows through my veins

I feel so alone
With my heart and soul gone
I have nothing left, to life give
Yet somehow I continue to live

Time passes so slowly now
And although I’ll never forget your vow
I wish the reaper soon, my life would take
As the longer I’m without you the loss of my sanity is at stake

I’m beginning to see
That something has happened to me
I don’t know what to do
The more time that passes, the more I seem to crave you

This is a new feeling
Which has set my mind reeling
A hunger is developing that is impossible to ignore
That has struck me at my very core

This need to be with you is insatiable
It’s making me feel increasingly uncomfortable
I know you said our love was eternal
But this wait to be with you again is so infernal

Although I love it when you are in my dreams
My temporary happiness is punctured by my own screams
Without you I’m lost within an abyss
And these dreams remind me of how much, you I miss

I have wanted many a time to my own life take
But my promise to you I could never bring myself to break
So while I wait, for both of us I live on
But know this my love. Rakastan sinua niin paljon


© Toni Higgs 11/01/10

Six Years - a Haiku (Written 19 Nov 2009)

This, year number six
It has come around so quick
I miss you so much


© Toni Higgs 19/11/09

Free To Remember (written 09 Nov 2009)

These visions of the past
Seem to forever last
They don't seem to want to let
Me, them forget

Not that I want to forget
Just not them control me, let
To remember the past again
But without all this pain

Most of my memories are good
But they don't get a chance to help my mood
Because, this is sad
All the good is obscured by the bad

My memory of the day
Steven left to with the angels play
Doesn't want to decay
As I remember it as if it happened yesterday

Then the day he was buried
I wish it had out of my mind hurried
But it refuses to leave my head
Like a weight that is dead

Like I said myself, I'd never let
Never forgive if Steven I ever forget
I just want to be free again
Free to remember without the pain.


© Toni Higgs 09/11/09

Time Again (Written 06 Nov 2009)

It’s that time of year again
When my heart drowns in grief and pain
I try my best to stay afloat
But there’s no stop button on my emotional remote

I do get a warning first
That my walls are going to burst
That I’m about to drown in tears
Caused by my ever present grief, misery and fears

I can feel what I’ve been keeping inside of me
Trying it’s best to break free
And with each harder hit
I know there’s no way I can stop it

It’s weakened me to the brink of despair
And way past the point of repair
So against it, I have no more power
And no choice do I have but to me, let it devour

As I crack and it floods in
I wait for the nightmare to begin
For you see it’s that time of year again
When my heart drowns in grief and pain


© Toni Higgs 06/11/09

Windows (written 07 Oct 2009)

This poem I just wrote was partly inspired by Jacqui Ryan's current picture on her Twitter profile

WINDOWS

She sits looking out the window
Watching the world go by
Wishing she could be out there in the sun
Instead of being shut in a world of her own

But from the outside world she hides
Scared of letting people in
Of showing them
The hidden world behind her eyes

She may look happy on the outside
But it’s a mirror image
A mask to hide
How she really feels

She used to wear her heart on her sleeve
But then it got hurt
So defensively
She retreated indoors

She shut out the world outside
Hoping that one day her heart would heal
So she could also shut out
How this pain feels

Today she is able to sit at her window
And watch the world go by
But she is full of hope that
Soon she’ll be strong enough to let the world back in


© Toni Higgs 07/10/09

Darren Shan's Demonata in poetry form (a WIP)

In early 2008 my favourite author Darren Shan's books inspired me to write. I had bits from his Demonata series springing into my head in verse and told through the eyes of another character so I decided to write it down and see where it took me. I am going to (attempt) to keep it going and gradually (if I don't get lost in the plot lines) adapt all 10 books.

All plot ideas are copyright to Darren Shan:


Prologue:
I am Lord Loss
And I am a demon master
But I feed on human misery and sorrow
While others of my kind are only interested in slaughter

When we first opened a tunnel between our world and the humans’
I felt the same as the rest of my horde
But then I discovered a game like no other
One that humans played upon a board

* * * * * *

One:
The reason we crossed
Was to kill off all of human kind
And since I am a master
Help from my familiars I could always find

Most of the humans were weak
The success of our mission continued on
That was until we came up against
The rath of the McConn

Don’t get me wrong we slaughtered most of this time in the end
We were demons up against mere humans after all
But they had the magic of the Old Creatures and a band of warriors onside
Which would later prove to be our first major downfall

* * * * * *

They were soon joined by survivors from a neighbouring rath
To help they promised to do their best
And prompted by a simple but blessed boy by the name of Bran
An unlikely group embarked on a quest

One night when the group had stopped to rest I ordered my familiars to attack
But much angrier I could not get
When Bran led them on a merry dance
And even treated one like his pet

* * * * * *

The unlikely group soon come to a crannog and the one called Bec enters a hut
She’s taken by surprise and when her eyes adjust
She finds it’s not one of us
But a human druid by the name of Drust

He takes the group aside
Says their safety to him doesn’t matter
But demands their help
To defeat us, the Demonata

He explains that we are not the previously feared Formorii
But a magical threat from another world
And that we already have a tunnel
Connecting the humans’ to our demonic world

The newly formed group take to the road
And continue looking for our tunnel
Meanwhile Drust takes Bec aside
To attempt to develop on her magical potential

As time passes
Her potential is plain to see
But both become angry
When her progress isn’t going as well as it should be

Then one night I approach the group
And entice Bec to come to me
But then something unexpected happens
She steals some of my magic from me

From then on Bec has no problem
The magic grows within her so fast
It’s now clear that her powers
Have instantly become so vast

* * * * * *

One night when the group have set up camp atop a hill
I send un-dead children to defeat their mother
Orna looks to them with tears in her eyes and even though she knows it’s a spell
She has to go to them due to her instinct as a mother

As she approaches them she sees them for what they really are
Her children dead, yet alive
But for escape it is now too late
Her children come in to nestle into their mother, and eat her alive

* * * * * *

The group continue west, one person down
And soon come to a small village
One where little Bec
Finds her real heritage

This is the clan MacGrigor
And when they finally let Bec in on her family history
One which combines humans and demons like us
One that left her with more questions and a feeling of misery

* * * * * *

The next day the group continue towards the coast
Drust continues to tutor Bec new spells
The speed that Bec is developing
Still Drust compels

He asks Bec
If he can look within her mind
Her new power is thanks to me
Is what Drust is to find

They glimpse the sea
From atop a hill
Everyone stops in awe
The sight restores their good will

They then spot a boat and people too
A druid and a group of magical beings and perhaps the odd rogue
About to set sail in an attempt
To find the mystical Tir Na N’og

* * * * * *

Soon they are at the sea
And they all marvel at the breathtaking sight
They lie on the edge of a cliff
And the power of the sea makes them wish that off it they could take flight

Not long after that I order my familiars attack
The group put up a good fight
Some of my familiars perished but, Fiachna’s shoulder is missing a chunk
And Ronan over the cliff took one last flight

* * * * * *

Later that day I felt magic surround the druid
To get too attached I could not afford
But that was when Drust
Introduced me to the game played upon the chequered board

But Drust put a spell on me to stop me from getting nearer
So I took Goll to within the reach of Vein
But the annoyingly blessed Bran
Thwarted my plan again

* * * * * *

That night Drust summons Bec
To go see the Old Creatures with him
They must jump off the cliff
And underwater swim

They enter the water
Despite the spells it’s dark and cold
Bec starts to panic and struggles against Drust
He shakes her and warns her to do what she is told

After a while of this claustrophobic swim
With Bec still feeling grave
They come up to the warmer water of the surface
And they are now within a vast cave

Drust has come to see the Old Creatures for advice
And to see if there is any other way
But the creatures sadly reveals
That a sacrifice must be made at the end of the day

The two can get to the tunnel in eight days
But they are in for their second of two frights
For the Old Creatures found out we are due to cross
In just two days and nights

The two climb up a cliff
With Drust lending Bec a hand
And they eventually
Make it back to dry land

* * * * * *

The group head east towards the tunnel
Racing against an impossible deadline
They march on hoping the brain-addled Bran has a plan
And hope everything will work out fine

Fiachna tires and collapses, his quest is over
But Bran returns and spirits swell
The deadline may be made
With the help of horses under the influence of a running spell

Soon Drust asks Bec to ride next to him
To allow him to teach the spells to her
Needed to close the tunnel
In case option one fails and they must use another

* * * * * *

The arrive at the tunnel in just enough time
Goll, Lorcan and Connla head in ready to fight
The few stronger demons that have been sent to guard the tunnel
So that Drust, Bec and Bran can forge ahead to attempt to put an end to their plight

They go into the start of the tunnel
It descends then opens out into a cave
They then see there’s a body combined with it
Astounded but that leaves them wondering what hope they have to humanity save

Turns out Drust had a reason
To come and save all humans other
We came because the tunnel
Was opened by his brother

Connla suddenly stabs Lorcan and invites the demons to come
As he thinks he’ll become the boss
As the deluded warrior thinks
He’s made a deal with me – Lord Loss

My kin finally arrive
And the battling begins
And apart from Drust, Bec and Bran still being alive
We add another notch to our wins

Bran goes missing
They know he’s not dead, just gone
Drust and Bec then come to the main cave
And gain more power from the load stone

* * * * * *

As the spells near an end
Bran returns and realises Bec will die not knowing what to do
He throws a knife in an attempt to save her
But that means option one is hampered, it’s now time to opt for option two

Since Drust is all but dead he becomes the new sacrifice
Doomed to be slit by Bec at the neck
As we the demons are sucked back to our world against our will I can’t resist one last taunt
As the last thing we hear are the anguished last screams of the now eternally trapped, humanity saving Bec

* * * * * *

Two:
Soon after our first defeat I learned of a curse
That afflicted one human family
This was the terrible
Curse of lycanthropy

I was approached by Bartholomew Garadex
A true magician, he was sure
That I was the key
That I was the only one that held the cure

Now I never give for nothing in return
So we agreed on a plan
I said it must involve this human game – chess
Since I was a newly captured fan

* * * * * *

We discussed things at length
Eventually a plan was agreed upon
We would play this game called chess
And I would save one of his cursed for every game he won

But if his luck was against him
And he failed to reach his goal
Then as well as lose his life
I would also torture his soul

I allowed of him
Some practice games
Of these he lost six
But after that he never lost so never my prey became

But eventually the better of him
Was got by his age
And his soul peacefully left
His mortal cage

* * * * * *

After that I heard nothing
For almost of forty years
When Davey McKay came looking
To put a stop to his grief induced tears

But I told Davey that I had no interest in him
As he had no magical ability
But he knew of my love of the game
And he came up with something that made me reconsider his plea

You see Davey was smart
He said that if he won
Both he and his son would be free to go
But if he lost I’d get to kill both him and his son

Even though I liked this idea of his
It didn’t completely satisfy me
One of the new rules I made
Was that all five games in the match were to be played simultaneously

Also someone would have to partner Davey
And battle with my familiars
While Davey plays me at chess
To find a solution to his fears

If his partner lost to my familiars
Before our match finishes
Then I’d let them attack Davey as well
Killing him and fulfilling their cannibalistic wishes

My next twist
Is that if Davey wins
His son would be cured but Davey would have to come to my realm and fight me there
And that’s where the real battle begins

His body would remain in the realm of the humans
Only his soul would come with me
And only if he won this fight
Would Davey’s soul be allowed to return to his body

If however he lost this fight
His soul would remain with me
It would be mine
To torture for all eternity

* * * * * *

Those were the terms
And Davey agreed
In the hope that
From this terrible affliction, his son could be freed

But alas for poor Davey
Luck was not on his side
Into my clutches
He was doomed to slide

His partner lost to my familiars
That was his brother
They were left to finish of Davey and his son
A task which gave them no bother

* * * * * *

For the new way of playing this game
I got a taste
So I decided to approach
Davey’s other relatives post-haste

Most of them thought they would be mad to take up my proposition
All declined except for two
To rid their children of the curse
Anything, they would do

Like Davey one of them lost
So I got three more people to kill
But the other one won
And travelled to my realm with a strong will

Over the coming decades
Most who won the battle on Earth
Lost to me in the world of the Demonata
But some won which showed to try, it was always worth


To Be Continued….

May be a delay in updating

Ok so for some reason when I go to copy and paste stuff in it isn't working and some of my poems are really long I mean like 7 pages long so there's no way I'm gonna type them all up again

Lack of posting

Ok so I've realised I've let this blog slip a little so I will try to get it back up to date